Fan Casting The Merchant Captain in Steven S. DeKnight's God of War

A fat, silk-clad, blasphemous merchant who transports Kratos to Athens. He delivers a cynical monologue about the gods ("Poseidon can ream my ass"), then soils himself when the Hydra attacks. He screams like a girl, tries to sacrifice a goat, and gets swallowed whole—but not before Kratos plants a foot on his face and shoves. He is comic relief in a dark film, and his death is deserved and hilarious.